finding inner sanctity

Today, while sitting with my dying grandmother, I figured one reason why I am here in this world. Grandma has COPD and emphysema with back pain and dislocated left arm. She is hurting, and each breath is arduous and loud.

I placed my hand on Grandma arm. The raspy breathing was lessened; she laughed in her sleep. She said while sleeping, “ready” and mumbled something else under her breath.

Two weeks ago, I started working with my original scientist in my new group. She mentioned that she was happy to work in the lab again, especially with me. She said that I bring a peace to the workplace with sincerity nad laughter.

A week ago roughly, my administration assistant tells me that she loves my attitude. Her husband is a baptist minister, and she said that I have a spiritness of life within me. “Let go and Let God” is my motto to her (and myself).

I guess what I am saying, is that I am about peace. No drama. No silly bickering. No extreme whining (Michael might disagree). Just sincere serenity.

Today, I found some of my peacefulness in my gardens. My first crochus of the year:

This is a “thankfuls” for Dr. Boley, my new cardiologist.

This man made my day today. His receptionist asked me to come in early before the blizzard hit Columbus-metro. So I did. He redid some tests that I had done on Feb. 25 with terrible results: 25% Ejection Fraction, a test that tells you how effectively your heart works. 25% means that one is in heart failure with weakened heart muscles. A normal result is 50-55%.

Dr. Boley gave me the wonderful news that my new EF is 55%, an improvement of 5% from two years ago! I cried yet again, but with tears of joy.

I do not expect people to feel the same as I do. But when some doctor tell you that you should be dead, it broke my heart: all of the pain I went through over four years ago and you tell me it wasn’t worth it?!?
But Today, I feel the healthiest ever, besides my defunct foot, thanks to Dr. Boley.

I did get an surgery date for my foot surgery, but it was canceled by a third party.

It was supposedly to be today, March 4, after I paid big monies for lovenox (self-administered blood thinner injections), at least ten X-rays and an MRI. To have a cardiologist deny me of this foot surgery made me so fucking pissed.

from my myspace blog
The cardiologist found something wrong in my ultrasound, and said that he could not give his approval for my surgery. Something with a low EF.

It was something about how efficient my heart pumps. A normal person (not like me), has 50% efficiency; mine only has 25% efficiency, which made the cardiologist see a big red flag that is a warning for heart failure.

My first point to the cardiologist is that I am NOT normal. I have had open heart surgery which produces scar tissue which lowers your EF. Symptoms include shortness of breath (Yes, I have asthma), pain in lower extremities (I need surgery in my feet because they constantly hurt with every step) and mental confusion (Hi! I had a stroke!) Damn ass cardiologist Gaddam!

After I finshed sobbing to the doctors, things were set in motion to have this surgery come true sometime soon. I should have an appointment with an old cardiologist that knows my story. He will run new tests, and the results will either point to the foot surgery or ways to treat this “cardiomyopathy.”

I have yelled. I have cried. I am upset. I am pissed. Now, I am moving on.

Mom shed some insight into this situation:
The past nine years, she has to go get a mammagram because she had breast cancer nearly ten years ago. And everytime, they call her back for more tests the next day to make sure that it is not a reoccurence. She will always have the scarlet letter known as “a breast cancer case 1998.”

Mom simply stated that I will have my own scarlet letter of “open heart surgery at the age of 24″ Accept it and move on.

I am still pissed.

Now, back to my feelings today:
I have an appointment on Friday with a cardiologist that saw me in an ER visit last year. He did extensive testing in that ER visit, and will do the same on this Friday to compare the difference.

There is a concern of mine with the open heart surgery that was performed on 09/03/2003. It did heal the hole in my heart, but it could have made my heart weaker (aka a reduced ejection fraction/EF). With a reduced EF, I maybe at risk for much more including the risk of dying while delivering a future child.

This is my ruminating mind playing games with me, and I hate it.

Any extra energies you might have, I could use them. Yes, I am a bit depressed. It won’t go away until Friday when I have my answers, and friends coming to see me this weekend… and a trip to Penzeys!

Friday was a weird day.

Unexpected calls came that day:
First was from the podiatrist that I have been bothering them the whole week. The call resulted in the date of my feet surgeries, April 2 or 19.

Second was a text from Chase for “Insuffients Funds Fee” knowing that I get paid at the end of the month?!? Go check the insanity of that situation on my MySpace blog.

Back to the first:
It is just too long until that surgery date. My feet are aching too much. The Xrays affirmed severe arthitis in my feet, on the verge of fused joints. It hurts to just walk. Tylenol is in my daily medicine, but I have to be careful not to go over 4500mg, roughly 7 pills of 650mg.

Thus, I call a friend that works for a sports medicine orthopedic surgeon, and I get an appointment this Monday. They say that they can get me in for surgery as soon as the end of this month. I hope so! We will see tomorrow!

Thanks to those that gave some insight long ago (Clinton, Shaitan, Rolland) on how to install/replace a ceiling light.

I installed the first of four lights purchased last Spring. It is so beautiful!! I have yet to install the Kitchen light, the dinette’s pendant chandelier, and the outside lamp post.

I am so gung-ho on this remodel adventure!

So, can anyone help me install a garbage disposal or a amish wood flooring?
Did I mention that I love to bake my helpers their favorite cookies?

This is a slow day at work…
Hardly anything going on…
The humming of the centrifuge is hypnotizing…
Makes you think, in reflection of this past year:
* I am thankful for the friends made
* I am missing those lost, but know life is better for them
* I am blessed with good health/ not have too many visits to the ER
* I am thankful for all of those learning opportunity that might be listed as “fuckups”
* I thank God my husband stood beside me for those listed above.

May 2008 begin more learning experiences and time for reflections.

All this talk about children, makes me want it more!

However, the time is not right: not financial secure, Josty is in school, I’m in a new job, this condo is not kid friendly.

Many people say that the time will never be right. The time should be soon while these ovaries still work

It is just this feeling within me that I cannot control. My heart sets afire when I hold my new niece Cate or any other child that is filled with love. I remember the first days of the miracle twins where daddy was taking our energies and giving them to twins; it is like now that the babies are giving incredible energy to me and my future babies.

My FIL is a hoot: he scarred my hubby by telling the family history of twins: it always skips a generation. My FIL generation had no twins, and Michael is due to have them! THen he goes on with the longer you wait, the more likely that twins could happen. I’m glad to see that Dad is on our side.

For those who are pragnant, my energies and prayers are with you and your babies.

Wow! This weekend was busy!
Friday: out to Mom’s party; nearly ran over four deers and maybe a turkey (an unidentified object).

Saturday: cleaned house, wrapped pressies, baked cookies for…

Sunday: Justin and Leila! they came over had a good time, both played with Michael’s Wii, and the loss of CBJ vs. Preds.

Monday: Christmas Eve with Dad, Mom, Sis, and Booboo. Baked a bit more. At 11:55 drove past the midnight mass.

Tuesday: the “I am a bad catholic day” I did not go to church. I did not feel like it. I am currently in a religious mental upheaval; I’m already damned to hell, so why not sleep in. Baked and cooked the famous pierogies. Then left for Lancaster for the extended family get-together.

All throughout the long weekend, I saw so many smiling faces.

Thank God yet again for one more year.

“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein

A childhood friend lost her mother fifteen years ago. She was three weeks older than me growing up; our moms went to nursing school together. My mom was her mom’s hospice nurse at her time of death. That same childhood friend, Megan, lost her grandmother this week.

Fifteen years ago, we were only fourteen years old. Megan decided that she would become a nurse that day she lost her mother. Megan flew into Springfield from Aurora, Colorado, to be the hospice nurse for dying grandmother. Later at the wake, Megan thanked my mother for a deed done fifteen years ago, and giving the opportunity to give back to her grandma.

Megan reminded me that with each difficulty in life, we have a choice to act or ignore, to do something or be apathetic.

Thanks, Megan.

Awhile ago, I had asked for prayers for a warrior standing with us on battle against domestic violence.

Red, the president of our central Ohio chapter of Bikers Against Child Abuse (BACA) was severely injured in route of an intervention on behalf of a victim of domestic violence.

He is now home, but could still use some prayers for the recovery.
Thanks!

From Red:
*TO ALL;*
> * I AM LEAVING THE NURSING HOME NOW AND I’M GOING HOME!!!!*
> * I want to thank you all for your support and help. The fight is not
> over yet, I still have a lot of work to get myself totally healed, but
> at least I’m going to be able to do it from home.*
> * Once again, thank you.*
>
> –
> RED
> President / Founder Central Ohio Chapter
> State of Ohio Security
> Bikers Against Child Abuse
> www.bacausa.com